on September 21, 2021
‘Intimacy issues’ is a topic that people tend to steer away from as it tends to promote some discomfort in us all! We at the Connect Group, however, know and believe in the importance of talking about these somewhat controversial issues and normalizing these experiences – after all, no one is immune to struggling with intimacy! This month our blog is taking a little bit of a different approach, as we dive into this rather sensitive issue. Instead of throwing facts and research at you we have decided to draw on and share with you some of the common intimacy issues we have come across in our practice (and even experienced in our own lives)!
Kayla-Tess Pattenden, our couples’ therapist has had the privilege of working with many couples and shares her insights with the greatest sensitivity and gratitude to the couples who have demonstrated their vulnerability. It is through these couples trusting Kayla-Tess that she has reflected and developed helpful strategies for overcoming these issues which are now used with great success.
Neglecting Emotional Intimacy
Intimacy is an emotional connection experienced between two or more people which leads to vulnerability, security, commitment and sometimes sex!
A common misconception is that intimacy is limited to sex – which is most definitely not the case! Intimacy is an emotional connection experienced between two or more people which leads to vulnerability, security, commitment and sometimes sex! Experiencing emotional intimacy is foundational to sustainable relationships and without it many relationships face a host of other problems including infidelity and emotional affairs. Talking with your partner regularly, consulting with one another frequently and even fighting with each other are all key emotional intimacy requirements which without intentionality are often neglected!
Unprocessed Childhood Trauma
Unprocessed trauma of any nature is always an inhibitor to healthy relationships, and this holds especially true for intimate ones. It is key to remember that every formative relationship no matter how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ you experienced it to be, has an impact on how you engage in your current and future intimate relationships.
One of the most challenging aspects of a partnership is bringing together two unique individuals with their often very different pasts and experiences. For many individuals their past is laden with unprocessed childhood trauma. Unprocessed trauma of any nature is always an inhibitor to healthy relationships, and this holds especially true for intimate ones. Individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or disconnected parental relationships during their formative years lack healthy models for intimacy, often resulting in intimacy issues later in life. It is key to remember that every formative relationship no matter how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ you experienced it to be, has an impact on how you engage in your current and future intimate relationships and therefore should be revisited and discussed within the context of your current relationship.
Communication Issues during Sex
Remember, communication is sexy and you might be surprised at how it helps with intimacy.
Another common intimacy issue is communication during sex, or a lack there of. There are several problematic narratives surrounding intimacy, and one particularly harmful one is the idea that ‘sex is intuitive and natural, and that it will be this blissful experience right from the get-go’. This is further compounded by the beautifully ‘staged’ Hollywood sex scenes which romanticize and promote an often unattainable and unrealistic sexual reality. We know that sexual encounters require effective communication and conscious learning, and we are quick to debunk any narrative that suggests otherwise. We encourage couples to talk about sexual expectations, communicate what is and isn’t working and reflect on their sexual encounters. Remember, communication is sexy and you might be surprised at how it helps with intimacy.
Low Self-esteem and Feelings of Worthlessness
Loving oneself is the reference for loving others. How well do you love yourself?
Self-esteem issues and feelings of worthlessness in partners is an intimacy issue which is seen over and over again in therapy. Confidence in oneself is key to relational security and any therapeutic process. In fact, prior to any couples process we assess for individual self-worth and security as an absence of this may result in individuals faltering under the expectations and accountability required of them from their partner. As therapists, it is heartbreaking to witness one partner whom so madly and unconditionally loves their partner but is rejected because their partner cannot love themselves. Loving oneself is the reference for loving others. How well do you love yourself?
Lack of Intentionality
“We don’t know what happened, we were doing really well and then got really busy” is echoed by many couples. Getting too busy for each other is sadly a frequent expression of a lack of intentionality!
Intentionality is the means by which anything in our lives gets done! In the same way that we intentionally RSVP to meetings and events to ensure our attendance and set deadlines to ensure project completion, we need to intentionally engage with our lover! In the absence of intentional time, attention and service, partners feel distant, detached and may feel more like roommates than lovers. Lack of intentionality is a slippery slope which often leaves couples feeling confused as to where things went wrong. “We don’t know what happened, we were doing really well and then got really busy” is echoed by many couples. Getting too busy for each other is sadly a frequent expression of a lack of intentionality!
Insufficient Foreplay
Couples with the expectation for great sex know that it takes much more than a physical sexual gesture, and instead means doing small tasks throughout the day such as hanging the washing, sending sexy messages, buying flowers, or even planting your lingerie in your partner’s bag.
As the saying goes, sex really does start outside of the bedroom! This is often misunderstood as referring to physical sexual gestures only, which is not the case. Couples with the expectation for great sex know that it takes much more than a physical sexual gesture, and instead means doing small tasks throughout the day such as hanging the washing, sending sexy messages, buying flowers, or even planting your lingerie in your partner’s bag. These are all things which suggest sex BUT also alleviate stress by practically serving your partner. In the absence of sexual and practical gestures, sex can be a resentful ‘duty’ ticked off of the to do list like all the other ‘chores’ for the day.
Medical Examination Avoidance
We remain so sensitive to the trauma and stigma associated with sexual performance deficits and infertility and so with empathy, sensitivity, and intentional reframing of these concerns as frequent and normal, we motivate couples to collectively attend medical examinations and to do so TOGETHER!
In the same way that annual dentist check-ups are normal, we need to begin normalizing genital and hormonal check-ups – these are just as important! Kayla-Tess says that normalizing these check-ups has actually become a part of her therapeutic mission and forms an integral part of any couples/intimacy therapy process. The refusal to have said check-ups occasionally (let alone regularly), results in extreme tension in the relationship, often causing a standstill in the couples’ process! We remain so sensitive to the trauma and stigma associated with sexual performance deficits and infertility and so with empathy, sensitivity, and intentional reframing of these concerns as frequent and normal, we motivate couples to collectively attend medical examinations and to do so TOGETHER!
Sexual Conservativity
Recognizing that conservativity often limits your opportunity to explore and experience increased levels of pleasure for BOTH parties is a sexual liberation like no other!
Sexual Conservativity in and of itself is not a bad thing, however it can become problematic when partners are sexually unhappy with the pleasure (or lack thereof) experienced during sex. Recognizing that conservativity often limits your opportunity to explore and experience increased levels of pleasure for BOTH parties is a sexual liberation like no other! For many couples, this liberation has been the difference between orgasm-less sex and amazing orgasmic sex! Conservativity has proven particularly problematic for the femme body in heterosexual relationships where male partners typically orgasm with ease but leave their femme partners struggling due to an unwillingness to compromise and find what works best for both partners.
Financial Stress
Therefore, our advice is to sit down with a financial planner prior to every relationship to ask the hard questions required for true collaborative financial unity.
Finances are stressful and learning to share, consult with someone else, or even consider another person’s needs within your financial planning can be a challenge. A therapeutic process with couples has yet to pass through our practice where financial strife has not played a significant role in the problems encountered! Therefore, our advice is to sit down with a financial planner prior to every relationship to ask the hard questions required for true collaborative financial unity.
These issues are normal, and most couples will experience at least one during the course of their relationship, so don’t let the discomfort of the topic stop you from experiencing true intimacy.
It is clear the intimacy requires intentionality and is often hard work, but the results are so worth it! These issues are normal, and most couples will experience at least one during the course of their relationship, so don’t let the discomfort of the topic stop you from experiencing true intimacy. If you are a struggling in your coupleship, why not book a trial session to determine if the Connect Group can assist you too!